For the Non-Rapture Ready

Wheat-dogg’s going to give us a heads up if the rapture’s for real.

I hear tell that the Rapture will happen this Saturday. I’m not clear if the prophet, Harold Camping, has worked out the exact time of the event, but since China is 12 hours ahead of Eastern Time, I’ll give you a heads up.

In fact Camping has figured out the exact time, 6:00 p.m. He hasn’t said 6:00 where, so presumably it’s a rolling rapture and Wheat-dogg will have time to warn us. I recommend that everyone get up and check his site early Saturday morning, and if there’s bad news, quickly get down on your knees and accept Jesus as your personal lord and savior. I have it on good authority that he won’t mind you getting on board so late.

And we should thank Wheat-dogg for his willingess to sacrifice himself for us by avoiding being raptured himself. Good luck in hell, buddy! I just hope he actually knows some Chinese Christians so he’ll know if it happens. I mean, China’s a big place with a lot of people, it could be easy to miss a mere 50 million folks there. And I hope he knows the right kind of Christian, or we could all be screwed.

About J@m3z Aitch

J@m3z Aitch is a two-bit college professor who'd rather be canoeing.
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10 Responses to For the Non-Rapture Ready

  1. James K says:

    Hell, I can do better than that. If this thing sweeps around the the world at a specific local time I’ll be one of the first people to know.

  2. D.A. Ridgely says:

    Premillennialism is merely one of many reasons the Book of Revelation should not have made the New Testament canon.

    Nonetheless, living in Dallas and not being one of the right kind of Christian, I’ve got my eye on a premillennialist neighbor’s Porsche among other choice items when we start dividing up all the stuff the right kind leaves behind.

  3. James K says:

    It’s past 6am down here. No signs of the apocalypse yet.

  4. James Hanley says:

    It’s supposed to start at 6 p.m. But I wouldn’t expect much action in New Zealand. Everyone knows only American Southern Baptists are Real True Christians with a chance of going to heaven.

  5. James K says:

    It now 6:45 pm. Still no earthquakes and no reports of rapturing.

  6. James Hanley says:

    I guess everyone in New Zealand will be left behind.

    Sniff. I wish we’d all been ready.

  7. D.A. Ridgely says:

    Not 100% SFW (unless HBO shows are), but while waiting for the Rapture this opening from Six Feet Under is what came to my mind today:

  8. ppnl says:

    Premillennialism is merely one of many reasons the Book of Revelation should not have made the New Testament canon.

    But where would the fun in Christianity be then? Oh, wait. You still have the talking snake and magic fruit thing. Never mind.

  9. ppnl says:

    Justin Bieber sheds his human form and starts to feed? Ok now that’s just nasty evil.

    Maybe May 21 should be set aside as a day for rapture bombing.

    It is disturbing how many people go from fearing the end of the world to hoping for it. I guess if you can’t immanentize the eschaton then waiting for the end of the world is all some people have left.

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